We knew her time was coming. Our hospice nurse came by that morning to check on us. My mother in law and sisters had been in town to help us. Pastor and Sis. Fielder came to pray with us and hold our angel the night before.
We spent the morning as a family. My sisters left to visit a friend in the hospital so we could have some time with Elise. I held my sweet girl close and wept, singing in her ear...
"What a day that will be when my Jesus I shall see.
When I look upon His face, the One who saved me by His grace.
When He takes me by the hand and leads me through the Promised Land.
What a day, glorious day that will be."
Months later I found out Andrew caught some of that on video, which I'll forever cherish. I can't describe how awful it is to wait for your child to die. Watching every move. Listening for every breath. Grabbing my stethoscope to hear a very slow heartbeat, but one that's beating nonetheless.
My sweet husband knew just what we needed. "Let's go to the pumpkin patch." We got Emma dressed and hopped in the car.
They went off to look for pumpkins while I snuggled my little Elise and sang to her over and over again in the beautiful empty corn fields.
They came back with four pumpkins. One for each of us. Andrew and I sat on a bench snuggling our baby girl while Susan took Emma to play.
I looked down and knew she was gone. We walked to the car and I checked her heartbeat with my stethoscope. Silence.
You truly never know how you will react in a situation until you experience it. Peace. That's what I felt at that moment. That's what filled the car on the drive home. That's what gave me strength to endure the unfathomable. God's amazing peace.
Her suffering ended that day. Her healing happened that day. I felt gratitude. Gratitude that my child did not have to spend her entire life in a hospital. That we were able to enjoy her in the comfort of our own home without all the rules. Gratitude that God saw us through to the end, just as He promised. I couldn't see that when I was flooded with emotion after her diagnosis; when I sobbed on the phone to my sisters with a heart full of fear of what was to come. Peace. That's what God does. He trades sorrow for peace.
When we got back to the house, my sisters hugged us and got Emma ready to head back with them to Portage. Our hospice nurse arrived to confirm what we already knew. Pastor Hudson and Sis. Mary arrived to pray and offer support, as they had from the very beginning. They prayed over us and God continued to pour peace over Andrew and I as we packed up the car and headed to Portage.
We had already planned to bury our sweet girl on top of my mom- my husband's incredible idea. When I had asked my sisters their thoughts, one of them said, "I can just hear mom saying, 'Bring her to me, I'll take care of her!'" Such amazing comfort in that thought.
The next day we had a beautiful and intimate burial for our sweet angel.
Last week we went home to see our family. We visited Elise's grave with Emma for the first time since her headstone was placed. Emma said she wanted to leave some flower petals for Elise. "They will float up to Heaven for Elise!"
This weekend we went to the pumpkin patch and thought of Elise the whole time. That is what we do. We honor our girl by making the best of this life and treasuring every moment.
We picked out five pumpkins this year, because our 5th family member is coming in just a couple months. Emma chose a white pumpkin for Elise.
This morning I was awoken by that new little pumpkin's gentle little kicks, reminding me that God's mercies are new every morning. Reminding me that through terrible, unfathomable suffering, hurt and pain, there is always hope.
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away." And He who sits on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new... for these words are faithful and true."
Revelation 21: 4-5
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